Can we talk about the sex tapes for a minute? Because I’m at a loss on this. I’m starting out at a disadvantage, I know, because I haven’t seen much pornography and I’ve never actually watched one of these homemade celebrity deals. Yes, I know how to find the link; I just have zero interest. My objection, if that’s even what this is, is academic. I do not understand the virtue of the fuck tape.
To get you a little closer to where I’m coming from, I’ll admit that I get the mirror over the bed thing. The idea that while someone is on top of you, performing whatever scene of whichever act, you might want to take a momentary timeout to observe what he or she looks like from several other angles—that this might increase your enjoyment of the act itself—this I understand.
It’s not for me, mind you. For one thing, I’m a paranoid individual—predicting potential catastrophe dominates my continuous interior monologue. Shards of glass could come crashing down at any moment! And there are other things. But I understand this.
So with all the sex tapes emerging lately, I’m constantly reminded of how much I don’t understand that. I’ve spent far too much time considering why anyone would make one and nothing I’ve come up with makes any sense.
First off—and I don’t care how hot you are, famous celebrity—watching yourself in naked action has to be weird. Who’s doing the lighting? Who is going to airbrush you? If you’re ogling yourself for technique, how many years of analysis does that translate to?
Second, do you really think this little home movie is going to stay private? For even five minutes? I mean, that excuse might have flown for those nudy shots from before you were somebody, but now it’s not even taking off. Sure, you’re vacuous, but aren’t you just a little bit savvy by now, celebrity person? Aren’t you somewhat acquainted with this sort of chicanery? Isn’t your entourage supposed to be on top of these things?
In fact, big stud modern day matinee idol, you are manufacturing your own blackmail scenario. Not that I mind. I’m just baffled. Isn’t it clear that once you’re done with the ingénue, she’s going to take you down? Is it possible that I’m the only one who sees this coming?
Oh, you don’t care, Mr. rock/rap/racecar star? 
You’re documenting your conquests? You’re showing us where your real talents lie? Guess what? You just fractionalized the number of women who will agree to sleep with you in the future. Are we afraid you’ll tape us too? Not so much. We’re too busy feeling sorry for you.
Sadly, this is where my mind has been idling. Hopefully now, having articulated my frustration, I can move on to more stimulating subject matter. Keep your fingers crossed.
